I was on
my way from Delhi to Ludhiana, going home after covering 2/6th of my
training semester. The unknown guy sitting next to me with his earphones plugged
in, was chuckling at perfect intervals watching an episode from ‘2 and a half
men’. I seriously doubted if he had timed his laugh! I tried testing my mute understanding of the
scene by looking at his screen, but thumb down, still could not apprehend .i decided
to while away time by framing the outline for the article on the theme
‘apocalypse’. The only info I had beforehand was something about the MAYAN
CALENDAR ending on 21st December, 2012.But give me a break! I am not
going to write about all the technicalities of why, what and what astronomical
happenings are bound to occur. I decided to write on the mayhem happening with me this 2012.And it din't
really wait for Dec 21,it started from January 2,The day I begun my 6 months
internship in Delhi. Let me not jump at the climax straight. Let us build up
the plot first.
Weaknesses
are often the sole accelerators in a repetitive life. A lacuna gives a
direction as to what needs to be won over Now, what needs to be conquered. Human
being has loved conquering, be it the British, be it the layman Indian who
fought to conquer back, be it the nasty politicians, be it conquering an
argument with a colleague. Summoning isn’t a natural trait unless it is
voluntarily imbibed.
One of my
fears had been to live independently. This might be a trivial issue to many of
you reading this, but since the day I have stepped out of my home, I knew this
was my biggest fear and this indeed was the sole accelerator. Ask my friends, I
have been the coyest in the gang when it came to immediate plans, I have also
been the one who made all the antonym remarks about what all can go wrong if we
go, also the one who would spoil her day if an onlooker on the road had said
something unpleasing. Since standard 4, I have lived alone with my brother ,both
my parents are working ,but an elder brother is someone who will never make you
feel alone because, he is ALWAYS there, to ‘first’ you. Being shielded becomes
your nature. But college is a place where every lesson except those in the
curriculum go straight to the heart. I have been lucky enough to have a daring
lot of friends and I know when they read it, they know ‘THEY’ are being talked about!
Although I can’t look over the credit I deserve for being a great friend myself
but well I will make place for that in another article! J.Sometimes it is difficult to learn from
inspirational speeches, from the felt tales of grandma, from the ‘ought to do
list’ but when a friend who shares the room with you, does all that
effortlessly, you are stunned and embarrassed at yourself for not doing it all this while. Travelling
alone, going to market alone, and
fighting with the customer care official, denying something if you don’t like it
might sound petty but are little things I have learnt from them. Even after having been said that, I was still
no expert at being all by myself. I landed to the capital city to tie over the
loose ends of this challenge. It is now that it hit me that all my friends were
no more along. I had stopped being a chatter box which initially I thought was
a great step but eventually I realized it is something off my trait. Within a
matter of days I had started hating
myself on issues like why can’t I try befriending new people, how long am I going
to cry over the crossroad of life .I had turned liked a zipped bird in the
office and a complaining bee when I returned, this zipping of tongue has its
own advantages and disadvantages, when the talking tongue is inside, suddenly
the observation increase miraculously, I started enjoying the conversation my
bosses had among themselves, I felt that yes all the stuff we talk in books, is
helping me deducing the jargon being used..
But this
silence and the skill of observing has its cons attached, somehow the vocal
cords fail to function when required after this phase of silence. But friends
are a magical entity in this world, as soon as I would meet a friend at PG.One day as we sat in the airport metro, two weird looking people,one of them with a mike and the other with a video cam suddenly came and stood next to us and almost the next moment, there they were,asking us “would you like to share your experience about airport metro?”I know
this is not a very big thing, but after those 3 days when u feel nothing seems
to be going your way, this made me happy, happy like when m in college J (PS :-my state in college has become my
reference position of happiness now, all these days I had been scoring
negative).On the fourth day ,I travelled alone in the metro, all by myself, yes
it was safe, I knew the directions to the entry exit, that is the moment I
realized: I was all on myself, no one to help for any dam thing !
All those
cases we hear about the capital from the perspective of a far off reader, who
only says,”kya ho gaya hai delhi ka?” suddenly hit on the face !.Thoughts
happen with the speed of light,all this sense of ultimate fear had crept in
within a minute while I was waiting for the metro to arrive...i grabbed a seat
in the woman coach, everyone looked tired yet relieved.I messaged a few close
friends, explaining why is the
independence not making me happy,
I had
always wanted this…if I have ever aimed something concretely in my life, it is
to conquer all my fears, started with my fear of acting, then travelling alone
in a big city, living independently, all by myself(yet to be conquered),I had
just achieved a milestone if you tally by the check list of “what makes me happy?”
but I guess I was too early to judge, heart is a tricky player, it cannot be
fooled by the logic of mind. It does not go by how you were supposed to feel,
it just goes by the gut.I wanted to skip speaking, because the throat was
jammed with the gulp you get from fear and emotional turbulence, and tears dropped. I looked like a fool! Because
I knew people noticed: P
But,
release of tears make you laugh at the intensity of the thing you cried for and
distracts you from the point :P emotions should not be apologized for, they are
the truest form of expression. But they can be sure laughed at :P
I felt as
if 2 different phases of me come into picture every single day, 'a feared, over
cautious, silent girl in delhi' and being 'me ,just being the real me' when I
reached back home..i had discovered one thing in the first week, somehow
carrying the bits of the people from your wonderful past along when you venture
into something new is important, you need someone to share “a hell of a day you
had” and hence sleep peacefully to start another “hell of a day”
The same
night an old friend called,I was talking too her nearly after 8 long years(she
had shifted to delhi then), and we had everything in the world to talk,this was
supposed to boost me up but sadly the whole conversation was about how harsh
delhi is to someone from Punjab and how
miserable her life had been in terms of relationships..i was taken a
back and she told me to grow up ,all she wanted me to understand was to learn to disagree,to
say when you don’t like something etc etc.I get it ! but all of it that moment
seemed like salt on the wound ..:(
I still
tried sleeping, listening to the sounds
that came from the streets of the capital city,I heard the swift
vehicles,raindrops,I missed the guruduara shabad we heard at the hostel when we
slept late, I would then mumble a little
prayer and sleep inbetween..
The next
day I decided to not categorize everything as boring or interesting, sometimes
the grey area is important, takes you to an arena where you can skip deciding
because you know you aren’t really doing bad to any side .
Hence came
the first week'end'. When it is time to meet people for whom you shall repeat the
whole story from Day 1 numerous times convincing yourself what hard time you
had gone through!
And then
they laugh at your situation, rarely sympathize, and take you places!! J And strange it may sound, I enjoyed my
first week at delhi J
Gradually by
the end of first month, I had completed two books, thanks to the journey in
metro J i had started a little of introspection, not
the very serious one but a healthy introspection. I had started valuing the
small quote that flashed as I swiped my metro travel card, ‘have a nice day’.Made some mute friendship with a few commuters, I
had almost conquered this fear of being alone. And things are going fine. Any
form of life after those 3.5 rocking years of college can’t seem ecstatic, we have set the bars too high. It
goes fine, just fine JI have made new friends, now the duration of
day isn’t much of a botheration. I don’t
require to look at the watch till 4, time passes by J
Nonetheless
I am excited for what comes ahead! it is a new phase. A new beginning. It wasn’t
easy to join kindergarden too, probably this valley is also just before another great summit..! I am not going to give up
so easily J
and as barney says , “SUIT UP” for the corporate world.
