I 'm Really gonna miss you !

How long can you enjoy the see-saw balanced at the hedge! Even science discovered the beauty of electron affinity and ionization energy.There is a pace in instability.It takes us beyond our levels of incompetence.As the heat reaching the base of the pan rises,even the water molecules dance to the un-equilibrium.(Umm,this one can sound cliche but i guess you got the point ! ).Any form of learning is again only an instability initially.But then instability turns to learning.Be glad if u think you are in a dilemma.So by welcoming instability i mean welcome chances,because only chances give choices.I am glad i took a few chances !

All of us have things we are passionate about, things that give  a fresh outlook to  the dry patch of our lives.for me,these are chances that give a boost to the self esteem..I salute those people who discover a happy life in monotony because frankly, I can’t.I  have this unexplained love for acceleration. It kills me to repeat the same schedule again and again and again. Sure, ‘things  do not happen in a flash, consistency is the key’  and this universally accepted statement is one big thing that stands in the defence’s witness box. Currently I am on my training semester, and it has almost been 5 months that  there are almost no physical strings attached to the college. But gratitude is the memory of heart, and with this place I have such wonderful memories attached .

 Memories as trivial as the first interaction with the people whom I proudly call ‘my friends’ today. The little family I have made among those special few. This is the place where I have discovered myself, a place where leisure pursuits were honed to talents. Also I have discovered how bad I have fared  at many more but this is the place where I have Tried things, without the fear of falling, in the world of cut throat competition where else could I have done that. I have met people who were far more serious about their passions than I was, and I have loved the company of those few .A place where I had the choice to choose and discuss ,well,the most senseless issues and laugh out loud on them to the ones which really mattered! I remember the devotion with which we worked for Avant Garde, the excitement I shared with those who were as eager to read my post as I was while writing it. The way we were so enthusiastic to finally get a copy of the work poured in ,sure a college magazine isn’t the world’s greatest platform but where else could have we begun. J I remember looking at those 40 odd pages of the script and wondering main kaise yaad krungi(something I am really bad at :P ) and then repeated practices would  surprise me. Loved the teams I have worked with ! awesome people they are J The first practice/the first scolding/the first  stammer/the first applause.To understand love,you really have to close your eyes and see if it brings u a silent smile.This one does J I have discovered myself here ,and with the essence of what I take along ,surely ,soon ‘The World Will Find Me-At my best' J

22:59:59

The radio telecasted -“30° 55' N, 75° 54' E will be hit in an hour”…

And thus nature shall triumph over cross bordered wars.

With A foregone anguish…

And a breathless cry…

An hour to go and existence shall end,

In the echoes of sigh…

The power tide has left the shore,

Soon it shall come banging your door…

Thus dissolving possessions…

Watering impressions…

Today no love, no care, no art..

No desire, no logic on depart

Can help us resign to fate…

Today human stands as a defeated inmate

Only hysteria of impatience…

Mayhem of inability

Stand as pawns of this blameless game…

Today which ‘single one’ will you blame!

This last hour, Mario plays to lose…

Teetotalers resolve to booze…

Saints dwell inside,

Nobody but the countdown of clock abides…

The war of survival shall terminate today…

But only to elicit another..

‘Hell or heaven..’

‘Hall of fame or

Walk of shame…’

A thought of anticipation knocks my Id …

Is this catastrophe really an aching bid

Aren’t we fortunate to foresee the collapse….

And struggle to fulfill our last desires…

to contest what we became and what we aspired….

Unlike those who die unknown, unaware..

With no prospect to look at their loved ones one last time…

Or To give an hour of devotion to  ‘The Power Prime’..

Nor To hold this mighty pen once more…

Hence let the concluding elixir pour

Let us submit being brave ,

Let the sheath of new world  shelter our grave.

An Unattempted Voyage

I was on my way from Delhi to Ludhiana, going home after covering 2/6^th of my training semester. The unknown guy sitting next to me with his earphones plugged in, was chuckling at perfect intervals watching an episode from ‘2 and a half men’. I seriously doubted if he had timed his laugh!  I tried testing my mute understanding of the scene by looking at his screen, but thumb down, still could not apprehend .i decided to while away time by framing the outline for the article on the theme ‘apocalypse’. The only info I had beforehand was something about the MAYAN CALENDAR ending on 21^st December, 2012.But give me a break! I am not going to write about all the technicalities of why, what and what astronomical happenings are bound to occur. I decided to write on the mayhem  happening with me this 2012.And it din't really wait for Dec 21,it started from January 2,The day I begun my 6 months internship in Delhi. Let me not jump at the climax straight. Let us build up the plot first.

Weaknesses are often the sole accelerators in a repetitive life. A lacuna gives a direction as to what needs to be won over Now, what needs to be conquered. Human being has loved conquering, be it the British, be it the layman Indian who fought to conquer back, be it the nasty politicians, be it conquering an argument with a colleague. Summoning isn’t a natural trait unless it is voluntarily imbibed.

One of my fears had been to live independently. This might be a trivial issue to many of you reading this, but since the day I have stepped out of my home, I knew this was my biggest fear and this indeed was the sole accelerator. Ask my friends, I have been the coyest in the gang when it came to immediate plans, I have also been the one who made all the antonym remarks about what all can go wrong if we go, also the one who would spoil her day if an onlooker on the road had said something unpleasing. Since standard 4, I have lived alone with my brother ,both my parents are working ,but an elder brother is someone who will never make you feel alone because, he is ALWAYS there, to ‘first’ you. Being shielded becomes your nature. But college is a place where every lesson except those in the curriculum go straight to the heart. I have been lucky enough to have a daring lot of friends and I know when they read it, they know ‘THEY’ are being talked about! Although I can’t look over the credit I deserve for being a great friend myself but well I will make place for that in another article! J.Sometimes it is difficult to learn from inspirational speeches, from the felt tales of grandma, from the ‘ought to do list’ but when a friend who shares the room with you, does all that effortlessly,  you are stunned  and embarrassed at yourself for  not doing it all this while. Travelling alone,  going to market alone, and fighting with the customer care official, denying something if you don’t like it might sound petty but are little things I have learnt from them.  Even after having been said that, I was still no expert at being all by myself. I landed to the capital city to tie over the loose ends of this challenge. It is now that it hit me that all my friends were no more along. I had stopped being a chatter box which initially I thought was a great step but eventually I realized it is something off my trait. Within a matter of days I  had started hating myself on issues like why can’t I try befriending new people, how long am I going to cry over the crossroad of life .I had turned liked a zipped bird in the office and a complaining bee when I returned, this zipping of tongue has its own advantages and disadvantages, when the talking tongue is inside, suddenly the observation increase miraculously, I started enjoying the conversation my bosses had among themselves, I felt that yes all the stuff we talk in books, is helping me deducing the jargon being used..

But this silence and the skill of observing has its cons attached, somehow the vocal cords fail to function when required after this phase of silence. But friends are a magical entity in this world, as soon as I would meet a friend at PG.One day as we sat in the airport metro, two weird looking people,one of them with a mike and the other with a video cam suddenly came and stood next to us and almost  the next moment, there they were,asking us “would you like to share your experience about airport metro?”I know this is not a very big thing, but after those 3 days when u feel nothing seems to be going your way, this made me happy, happy like when m in college J (PS :-my state in college has become my reference position of happiness now, all these days I had been scoring negative).On the fourth day ,I travelled alone in the metro, all by myself, yes it was safe, I knew the directions to the entry exit, that is the moment I realized: I was all on myself, no one to help for any dam thing !

All those cases we hear about the capital from the perspective of a far off reader, who only says,”kya ho gaya hai delhi ka?” suddenly hit on the face !.Thoughts happen with the speed of light,all this sense of ultimate fear had crept in within a minute while I was waiting for the metro to arrive...i grabbed a seat in the woman coach, everyone looked tired yet relieved.I messaged a few close friends, explaining  why is the independence not making me happy,

I had always wanted this…if I have ever aimed something concretely in my life, it is to conquer all my fears, started with my fear of acting, then travelling alone in a big city, living independently, all by myself(yet to be conquered),I had just achieved a milestone if you tally by the check list of “what makes me happy?” but I guess I was too early to judge, heart is a tricky player, it cannot be fooled by the logic of mind. It does not go by how you were supposed to feel, it just goes by the gut.I wanted to skip speaking, because the throat was jammed with the gulp you get from fear and emotional turbulence, and  tears dropped. I looked like a fool! Because I knew people noticed: P

But, release of tears make you laugh at the intensity of the thing you cried for and distracts you from the point :P emotions should not be apologized for, they are the truest form of expression. But they can be sure laughed at :P

I felt as if 2 different phases of me come into picture every single day, 'a feared, over cautious, silent girl in delhi' and being 'me ,just being the real me' when I reached back home..i had discovered one thing in the first  week, somehow carrying the bits of the people from your wonderful past along when you venture into something new is important, you need someone to share “a hell of a day you had” and hence sleep peacefully to start another “hell of a day”

The same night an old friend called,I was talking too her nearly after 8 long years(she had shifted to delhi then), and we had everything in the world to talk,this was supposed to boost me up but sadly the whole conversation was about how harsh delhi is to someone from Punjab and how  miserable her life had been in terms of relationships..i was taken a back and she told me to grow up  ,all she wanted me to understand was to learn to disagree,to say when you don’t like something etc etc.I get it ! but all of it that moment seemed like salt on the wound ..:(

I still tried  sleeping, listening to the sounds that came from the streets of the capital city,I heard the swift vehicles,raindrops,I missed the guruduara shabad we heard at the hostel when we slept late, I would then  mumble a little prayer and sleep inbetween..

The next day I decided to not categorize everything as boring or interesting, sometimes the grey area is important, takes you to an arena where you can skip deciding because you know you aren’t really doing bad to any side .

Hence came the first week'end'. When it is time to meet people for whom you shall repeat the whole story from Day 1 numerous times convincing yourself what hard time you had gone through!

And then they laugh at your situation, rarely sympathize, and take you places!! J And strange it may sound, I enjoyed my first  week  at delhi J

Gradually by the end of first month, I had completed two books, thanks to the journey in metro J i had started a little of introspection, not the very serious one but a healthy introspection. I had started valuing the small quote that flashed as I swiped my metro travel card, ‘have a nice day’.Made some mute friendship with a few commuters, I had almost conquered this fear of being alone. And things are going fine. Any form of life after those 3.5 rocking years of college can’t seem  ecstatic, we have set the bars too high. It goes fine, just  fine JI have made new friends, now the duration of day isn’t  much of a botheration. I don’t require to look at the watch till 4, time passes by J

  Nonetheless I am excited for what comes ahead! it is a new phase. A new beginning. It wasn’t easy to join kindergarden too, probably this valley is also just before another great summit..! I am not going to give up so easily J and as barney says , “SUIT UP” for the corporate world.

AN ODD ESCAPE

The window pane danced,

To the gush of April showers,

The sound of daily clanking

Seemed a troubling partner for hours…

Still I relished those drops of dew,

A chambered life had made me appreciate a glassless view…

Air suddenly smashed my hair to face…

The chime viciously resounded in the space…

Warned and questioned by nature, I latched the pane..

Thus silencing the gush..

I eyed at the dark mirror again…

Lurking secrets wished an escape..

No more could societal lies serve as a drape…

But the ugly sinner in me wished for a place,

Where I am only heard ,  not judged…

Only advised, not smudged…

Where the deeper veiled chords of heart get to play..

Where I could gather courage to finally say..

Hours had passed in the mute introspect…

A combat between ‘act’ and ‘cowardly accept’..

Choices delay decisions,

But the Id knew it all..

A base brick had just displaced in the secret  wall..

My footsteps found their way to the house of thee..

Only Church had a place for  offenders like me..

With each step towards the confession room..

Fear and courage together fumed…

As I climbed the stairs,

Fists clenched, eyes shut…

A single thought of disclosure adhered,

I took a breather to finally say..

“I do not deserve a life after taking one,

Forgive me Father”

The confession thus reached pristine ears..

Fists let lose, moist eyes had blissful tears..

Yes, I am a weakling in the queue of all daring men,

And this indeed, is the last phrase from a 'not so mighty pen'.

Being Elvira

 November 5, my first day as Elvira-the name itself seemed like a tongue twister at first, the tongue rolls itself to sound it right. Anyways, the first day of practice and I am given a thorough read through of my part. The writer in me had already started appreciating sudden gushes of comedy and the unexpected climaxes but then my director (another lead in the cast) brought me back. I came back from the practice at around 10 and not being habitual to this phase for a year or so, recollecting all the energy to chit chat and explain the day to my favorite buddies was a little tiresome, but as many of you know me, well, it took me just a day to get into the soak. And the cycle repeated everyday with the most eye awakening promise every evening, “we meet tomorrow morning at 6”. On my way back, I would promise myself of sleeping on time but then they all, my buddies, had some chit chat and could not afford to miss it :P. We have covered variety of time zones from 6.01 to 6.10, be it 6.01 or 6.10 , Mr. Director was always there!! It is easy to talk about being passionate about something, but it takes immense strength and devotion to bring it out. Rightly said-You are what you do, not what you say. I have made great friends, people I surely knew, but just knew, never worked with. People who were perfectionists, each of them, none would settle for less than what their character is expected to do, every delicacy taken care of. My character wasn’t much of me. Surely way more interesting than I am. She had mixed air of being childish, being bold, being naughty, being clever, being a cliché deceiver and yet a hard core ‘wanting’ lover. The most beautiful part about theatre is you get to play something you are not, but I tell you a secret right now, that too is the most difficult part, You have to trim the layer of ’I’ and be someone else. Someone you are in some hidden corners of yourself but there is a silent promise with the self to keep that in. Sometimes being someone you never will be. Sometimes being what you hate the most. And all that indeed is the beauty of it ( I have felt the transition from ‘I and the character as two separate beings’ to ‘how will the character react to a situation and giving an expression’ to ‘being soaked into the soul of character, so much that you forget who you are… And the stage has that magic!! the magic of being what you are not ! Theatre is farce. This farce is exuberance when you live it on stage. This is tragedy when you fall short of an applause, and for an actor, this indeed is life !! As ‘the’ day-november 17 drew near, the fact that I still stand yards away from the glide and flowy nature of the character was disturbing me. Much came inbetween, My NMAT exam, but for very few things you feel like giving your heart and soul to them, this is one of them... I utilized the journey to get thorough with my dialogues. The lady sitting next to me in the bus was wondering why I looked up and murmur something after going through a page! Well, you can’t explain everything, can you: D? Still something was missing, and hence anger burst into tears, I knew it does not matter that if  I don’t do well, nothing will change, but their was a spark to do it as my director wished it to be ! But somehow the magic wasn’t happening. Tears have no reasons, no explainable reasons. I told my friends in the play my fear, the fear of –what if he magic doesn’t happen on the final day and well their answer was-‘it’s a play’! Play with it  :) and probably that was the day something unaccountable changed! It’s been my pleasure to work with people who love theatre even more than I do ! Yes, Theatre is a farce but the joy is real! So purely real!

I AM..

I enjoy the daily doses of humdrum

tangled in the bubble of everydays odd jobs

 But I lend an extra glance to a heart felt knock

I dig a layer deeper to that stumbling block

I am one among you,

I am –

a poet

A blank paper to my wor(d)ship, is no less than a dock.

Thoughts besiege me like needles of a clock.

All Apart yet miraculously making sense..

 Never should they make a deceiving pretense.

No it is not just words, no show, no flair

 But a version of glee and moments of despair

I am one among you,

I am-

A poet…

Quill and pinned thoughts

I am impulsively in the rush of connecting those disjoint dots,

Sometimes words of savage

 and at times sugared with elegance..

I am on my voyage to an un-attempted excellence

My destinations could be as hollow as anger,

and as deep as a cave..

 only my heart’s slave,

I am-

A poet

unlike Music which  is created

When sounds sleep,

And echoes walk in a trance...

Poetry is made,

Out of  an emotional impulse,

Reflected with a deeper glance..

I am ,one among you,

I am-

A poet.

To you, I am foolish,

May be A little off the track,

i don’t carry your burdens,

the burdens of your shame on my back,

I was-

I am-

A poet…

NO LIGHTS-NO CAMERA-ONLY ACTION.

 

“Squeeze your life to a 10 second dimension, what clicked you in the snap of the moment?”

Skip this question, depicts nothing but a dramatized version of life!

I see 3 kinds of people, one set of people who inspire the writer for a  protagonist like them , another set who pens that down  and the third set who reads it.(assuming that everyone at least reads, even  VOGUE Magazine would do, don’t worry! ) And yes they interchange positions; those who pen it down sometimes become protagonist to others and real protagonists become autobiographers.

None of the three intended being what they are, it just happened.Sometimes by will,sometimes in search for a diversion from the normal humdrum of life.

Real idol never knew he would trigger hearts and pens to express. He never did anything for being taken into notice. Life is not a motion picture where someone’s sacrifice is captured through a rolling tape and then shown with just the apt back ground score. Snap out of it. Come back to reality, for instance-if you really want to do something for someone do it and forget it, else think twice before you call it a sacrifice the next time. . I guess living is not a challenge lest it does not include the most trivial of the things which you have to do, things which might never come in notice. In fact should not come into notice..it tampers their essence .

Coming back to the REEL again, In Just 3 hours, ‘ the boy turned young, followed his heart, found the girl  down subway, and of course with magnified tribulations, married her  and I bet you never missed the last scene, when he sits by the bonfire on his easy chair under the grand smokestack, and the camera stops at his unblinking eyes.’ I am telling you a secret right here, no one will do this for you. No back ground music, no slow motions, nothing. It will end and the world won’t even care. If you were a good man, your eulogy would be true; else they will just make up something. Not a big deal.  

Whatever happens before the ‘unblinking eyes’ is what is going to matter. Be hated if that is a bonus to saying truth. Although what the herd says about you matters, we are a social being.  But how many opinions will you consider!! People will have subjective opinions. Myriad of them. Thus, myriads of beliefs.  And to make matters worse, when it is you as the protagonist in the ‘TUG of War’, it miraculously narrows down to only two basic beliefs, YOU in one sink of the weighing balance, and the ‘whole world’ in the other. You go by weights/beliefs/ the power of conviction somehow the obvious one weighs over. But then there is a way out, you lose this game only if you allow the herd to sit in the other basin of the balance. Decide things by yourself. Regret decisions, but decide. Fall hard, but decide. Life is real, unlike “3 hours-come-watch-go”. I Wish movies could make one more declaration like the rear view mirrors, “Events in real life are slower than they appear here, any resemblance to the pace of events is purely fictitious.”.This declaration might just strike a boy before attempting suicide when he failed ‘once' in a competitive test.

In the real stage ,for every life breathing this moment, the end is unknown and so should it be. Roads are as important as destinations. Destinations are impassive like the dead skin on the wound. They gain significance either when the wound heels or when it hurts as you rip off the dead skin. Making of successes, also failures has all the fun if you ask me. You can choose the brightest star in the sky only when you have many of them to choose from. A ‘real life’ will have a proportionate mixture of all lusters. Don’t hate yourself for a few dim stars. “ITS PERFECTLY OKAY”. IN real life,triumph does not happen in a snap, neither does failure. It’s always been gradual like the tortoise, but unlike that story, we don’t know if we are the same tortoise who won in the end, or are we some another mislaid tortoise which was slow and whose story never made its mark into the children story books. You could be any, perhaps may be the winning tortoise thought just the same!!

Through all this, I don’t intend you to stop dreaming. But a caged mind, with deadlines of achievement wanting to achieve what the world  wants him to, at a break neck pace is an illusion,and if possible then futile.simply- Carve out YOUR dream and work for it!